Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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