I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
