I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So many bounce houses so little time
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
