you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She told me I should be a condom model.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
