GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Randomize
