Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
