sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
