you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
