please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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