when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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