I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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