Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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