Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
