some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
