and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
