please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
