Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
