Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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