took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Quick, to the slutcave!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
