its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
as a side note pls kill me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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