Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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