Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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