my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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