1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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