if you like me you must not know who I am
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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