I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
