Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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