hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
