The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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