when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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