the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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