I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
