When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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