what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Watching her eat just hurts me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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