If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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