I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
