Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
