when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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