you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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