you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
