you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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