My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
