theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
