Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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