I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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