saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
