I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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