I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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