i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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