I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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