i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
