So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
