the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
