I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize