Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
