just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
