god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
