my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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