He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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