Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
