guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the condom got lost in my hair
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
