her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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