4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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