I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize