Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
