You made me cry and you don't even care
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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